What polyamory has to do with intuitive eating
maybe more than you think?
I recently read the memoir More: A Memoir of Open Marriage by Molly Roden Winter.
Was it the best book I’ve ever read? No. (While I respect the author’s candor and her ability to tell an engaging story, it got a little repetitive for me and I found myself annoyed at her utter lack of acknowledgment of the privilege that allowed her, to say, book a fancy hotel room in the middle of a random weekday for a tryst.)
But it did make me think—about both marriage and food.
It made me think about the questions you might expect to explore when you’re reading about polyamory: Why do we get married in the first place? Is monogamy just a cultural construct and if so, who benefits from it and why? What’s the role of pleasure in a long-term relationship? Could I carve out the time and energy for dating into my calendar on top of my commitments to my hobbies, husband, kids, and friends, even if I wanted to?
But it also made me think about what it means to live an authentic, integrated life. While on its face, the book was about a middle-aged married mom who experiments with open marriage, it was really the story of a woman who, having put everyone else’s needs above her own, goes on a quest to find herself.
While the author’s journey happens to take her into the beds of many different men, along the way, she discovers who she is. As she begins to do things for herself—writing, playing music, and kickboxing class—her true self and her authentic voice begin to emerge.
And all of this, of course, made me think about bigger questions. Like… how do we as women, suppress or honor our own needs and preferences? How does our sense of self affect impact our relationships to food and our bodies? And, conversely, how does our relationship with food and our bodies affect our sense of self?
What happens to our spirit when we prioritize the social imperative to be thin over our needs for nourishment, eating food we enjoy, and rest? Do we really need to be thin or is that just a social construct? And if it is just a construct (which I know you know it is, or else you wouldn’t be reading this), who benefits from it? And what happens when we opt out of diet culture?
I write this newsletter is to remind you (and myself) that we don’t have to accept diet culture. It may be all around us but that doesn’t make it right or true.
While it might not seem like we have choices — we’re supposed to want to lose weight just like we’re supposed to want the traditional marriage and 2.5 kids— the truth is you are allowed to want whatever you want. You can want any kind of relationship (or no relationship). You can want to eat M&Ms at the movies without having to “make up” for them. You can gain weight and buy a comfy pair of overalls instead of berating yourself and getting “back on track” with a vengeance.
Here’s to choices 🥂.
xo,
PS If the idea of changing your mindset around food and your body among a supportive virtual community of like-minded women sounds good to you, get on my group coaching wait list and you’ll be the first to know when I offer a group program. (Details TBD. Stay tuned!)
PPS A couple of excellent memoirs I recently read include Hollywood Park by Mikel Jollet and Private Equity by Carrie Sun.
4 things worth checking out
If you have five minutes: For Runner’s World, Cindy Kuzma covered Allie Ostrander’s journey to the Olympic trials after battling an eating disorder.
If you have an hour: I’ve been following Allie Ostrander (see above) ever since Olympian Elise Cranny (also a runner who has dealt with an eating disorder) mentioned her name in our interview on Real Fit.
If you have another hour and you, too, became obsessed with Nikki Glaser since her epic Tom Brady roast: I watched this interview she did with Jason Nash on the All Good Things podcast, and I honestly don’t know how to feel about it. She was super honest about her wish to be beautiful. It’s worth seeing for yourself, but essentially she says she’d give up everything just to be a “real beauty.” Part of me was like “WTF you’re a brilliant comedian who has found success in a highly competitive industry that’s especially harsh on women, WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT!?” And part of me was like “I get you, girl. We were all sold this lie that our beauty is our worth.” In any case, I watched it weeks ago but I can’t stop thinking about it.
If you want to know where I’ll be performing standup comedy: Subscribe to my other newsletter, Real Funny.
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Wondering who I am?
I’m a certified intuitive eating counselor, occupational therapist, and health and fitness journalist with bylines in outlets like The Washington Post, Time, Runner’s World, SELF, and many others.
Also a 6x marathoner, 2x Ironman finisher, and certified personal trainer with a 20+ year history of teaching indoor cycling, I love riding bikes (gravel and road) and weightlifting. My superpower is my ability to connect with people.
Check out my coaching offerings here and follow me on LinkedIn and Instagram.
image credit: Briana Noonan